Leaked Documents Reveal Nestlé's Spins on How Microplastics in Your Bloodstream Are Actually a Good Thing

By S. Mazotes, Published June 16th, 2024

Recently leaked documents reveal Nestlé's planned PR spins on the overabundance of microplastics in everything that people eat, drink, breathe, poop, pee, birth, smell, and more.

The documents show that Nestlé is tackling the issue from multiple angles. One such angle is to reframe the sterilizing effects of microplastics on the hormonal system as a "free vasectomy". Tangent to the vasectomy angle, Nestlé plans on pushing anti-natalist viewpoints in that "kids take away time from video games, and smoke sessions", so you should thank them for the nonconsensual plastic infusion flowing through your bloodstream.

Another angle they've been measuring, is convincing midwit Redditor-types that microplastics are a good thing because Science™ says so! Nestlé funded a study through the Columbia University Ecology, Evolution, and Biology Department that found that the future man will be adapted to digest the plastic bombardment entering his flesh. Isn't that so cool! The diagram the department created can be seen below.